Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner

Ever have one of those days when you're all set to get good and angry, or depressed, or feel sorry for yourself and then -- something good happens?

Somebody turns around and tells you something encouraging. Or someone compliments you. Or someone tells you that something you've done has deeply touched them. Or something makes you smile. Or laugh. Or both. And you no longer feel your blood pressure rise and you don't have that feeling of righteous indignation anymore.

I was all set to resent the fact that Richard gets to continue to be who he is, gets to simply go on with his life without severe consequences to his actions... resent that my whole life got turned upside down... that I still have to do everything to facilitate River's visits with him (including making and paying for all travel)... I have to deal with single-parenthood while he gets to be the Disney-World-Dad... blah blah blah.

But you know what I've noticed myself doing lately?
Singing.
and DANCING.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Quick sidebar:
Psalm 30:11-12
You turned my mourning into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't done that (sing or DANCE) for years because I kept hearing I was too... something.
Too talkative.
Too pensive.
Too serious.
Too flippant.
Too rigid.
Too sensitive.
Too confident.
Too outspoken.
Too... whatever.
Too anything.
Basically, that I couldn't be who I am.
But you know what? Screw it.
Nobody gets to tell me not to be me any more.
I'm even trying to hold MYSELF accountable on that one.

And while I still struggle, the singing and dancing (especially the dancing) is telling me that there is some joy creeping back in. Today, River and I sang to a song playing on the radio in the car and we were totally HARMONIZING together. It was GREAT. Then, after dinner, we danced in the kitchen. I love having her to groove with and have fun. I can't imagine she has any idea that she is totally helping to "unearth" me.

Life was incredibly difficult for me. But the cool thing is... it made me realize that I have a strength I never acknowledged. I am so much stronger than I realized.

So, every once in a while (when I'm not stressing about something stupid like whether or not some boy will call me) I get this, "Don't f--- with me" confidence. And I know that all is right with the world.

And even if it isn't, I know everything will be FINE. More than fine: f---ing fabulous. Because I know I will get through it. I KNOW this. The tough times sucked. Bigtime. But it is priceless to know this about myself. I suspect I always had it in me, to tip my hat to The Wizard of Oz. I just didn't know I was already wearing the ruby slippers, so-to-speak.

I worked really hard to get where I am - even geographically. I'm reminding myself that this is exactly where I want to be. (Well, essentially. Life is a process. There is always room for improvement and change, etc.)


I am a little nervous about having dropped the f-bomb in this post. (How funny that I did that AND quoted scripture for the first time.) But, two things come to mind when I think about this:

First, there's a great line from what used to be an all-time favorite movie from 1985. And if you saw this movie when it came out, you'll appreciate how ridiculous it looks to acknowledge which one (there ended up being three) it's from. Because, of course, when the first one came out, there was never talk of any sequels... Anyway, the quote is:

"Oh, uh, hey you, get your damn hands off her." Do you really think I oughta swear?

Yes, definitely, god-dammit George, swear.

-- Back to the Future, Part 1

Second, I swear like some people smoke. In theory, I don't find either one all that... attractive. I don't smoke (though I sure would like to) but I know some people who consider themselves "casual smokers." Or "social smokers." They consider smoking something that accompanies certain activities. It's not like they are actually addicted to nicotine. They are among the lucky-ducks who are able to pick it up and put it down without a thought. Well that's me and profanity. Sometimes, situations just seem to... merit the addition of, well, something "colorful."

It's tempting to say, "I'm terribly sorry if I've offended you." I AM terribly sorry if I have offended you. Especially, mom, if you finally decided to check in on this whole blog-thing of mine... Of course, you are already familiar with my word choices, for better or for worse. And, as you also know, nobody gets to tell me not to be me any more.

Ooo, that reminds me of another great movie quote from the 80's:

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

:)