I Have to Remember - It Continues to Get Better

I have a tendency to inventory all the negative stuff in my life. Sure, sure... I'm a grateful soul. And it brings me great, great joy to encourage and compliment others. But when I take a look at my own life or my own self, I can tend to see all the things still on my To Do List, neglecting to even see let alone acknowledge any of the things that have already been crossed off. I don't know why I do this. But I do at least know I am not the only person to do so. And I suspect it probably has something to do with human nature. Or that dysfunctional family upbringing. :)

Two days ago, I had to do something difficult for me -- I had to reinforce a boundary I've already communicated and established. Because I'd already communicated this boundary, I had to be even stronger about it this time.

The funny thing is, this boundary maintenance didn't have anything to do with Richard. Previous Ex-Files posts probably make Richard the likeliest candidate. But, not at all! In fact, Richard came to visit River for the first time recently and much to my surprise, the visit went well.

So, the difficult boundary enforcing wasn't with Richard. It was with Thomas, a man I can see has struggles similar to those I've observed in Richard. Fortunately, I recognize that and was able to communicate to him the need for reduced contact. (I won't go into all the details about the history of our contact and/or how the communication had become inappropriate.)

Contact was reduced but was still in appropriate. So, I told him to stop contacting me at all. Period.

He made a few "slips" here and there but I hadn't heard from him in months until... just the other day. He emailed me early in the morning and then again late that same afternoon, concerned that maybe I hadn't received his first message. I wanted to ignore his messages but I knew that... I needed to respond. Responding was probably the "right" thing to do anyway but I also need to protect myself (legally) with documentation that I have made it clear to this man that I do not want him contacting me.

I sent Thomas an email that said, "Stop communicating with me. Do not reply to this email. If you continue to contact me in any way I will consider it harassment and will report you to the authorities."

I haven't heard back from him. (Of course, it's only been two days.)

It made me sad to do that. I didn't want to have to do it. But I know who I am now, in a way I didn't embrace and acknowledge when I was with Richard. I am kind and generous and funny and forgiving and creative and faith-filled and... strong and resilient and... not interested in participating in the cycle of abuse. So, I "had" to do that to remain true to myself.

Oh, and I know he doesn't view his contact with me as harassment. I know how that thinking works. He completely ignores my very clear statement not to contact me by justifying it with some drama he's created in his own life. And, he HAS created drama in his own life, that is true. And because of it, he's fooled himself into thinking that I am in danger. Therefore, out of his concern for me, he excuses, he needs to make sure I'm ok. "R U OK?" his messages ask. He needs to just hear back from me that I am ok. (I'm not making this stuff up, people. Believe me, I'm not that imaginative.)

It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite (and very popular) books Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (Penguin Books, 2006).
From page 178 -179:

So, I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts any more." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word "harbor," which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind - a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace under a new leader (me) who has instituted new polices to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts - all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps, and seditious stow-aways - you may not come here anymore, either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reason, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind - otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came. That is my mission and it will never end."

I'm still working on increasing the security at border control on my THOUGHTS. But, at least I am very, very clear about the PEOPLE who enter my life, who get to have access to me and my life and the other people in it. And therefore, I am reminding myself, that I have to remember -- it continues to get better. I get better. Life gets better. IT continues to get better. In fact, I'm beginning to think that perhaps - the best is yet to come.